Which Backpack? Which Bike? Which boots?
How Our Choices Impact Our Children.
If we want children to be successful in acquiring skills, how we set them up to do so matters. Whether this is building skills of independence - learning to dress themselves in their winter clothes - or kinesthetic skills - riding a bike - the choices parents make in what they buy, and what they invest in has a profound impact on both the timeline of their child’s eventual success, as well as their child’s willingness to persevere through the challenges that will come along the way.
This is not to say the more expensive, the better. Or that more is better. Rather it’s about taking the time to see a larger picture surrounding a particular skill set. Instead of the making the easiest, or the fastest, or the cheapest choice, it’s about making one that is informed and well thought-out. In our hectic and fast-pace lives, where we are constantly shuffling from here to there with little time to come up for air, doing this is an ever increasing challenge. Most often, we operate by checking off boxes as we move through the day/weeks/months in order to quickly and succinctly accomplish all that needs to done. But this almost robotic, or computerized functioning, doesn’t leave enough time for parents to make informed choices; the ones that have connected the multitude of dots that make up the bigger picture surrounding the desired outcome. We need to scrap the notion of simply “getting the task” done in favour of thinking through what conditions, what materials, what equipment will enable success based on a deeper understanding of both developmental stages and the mechanisms/sub-skill sets needed for the acquisition of the desired skill and outcome. In order to do so it will involve asking far more questions. It may even require a recognition, and acceptance, of your own limitations; seeking out information, knowledge, and answers from other people or sources. Or it may simply require you to pause, to take more time to actively and consciously think through the everyday choices you make for your child.
So what exactly does this look like? What exactly am I referring to?
While there are countless examples, I shall try to paint a picture with just a few.
Have you tried riding a bike that weighs twice as much as you? It’s not easy. When you fall, you can’t even push your bike upright to be able to try again. By the time it is upright, exhaustion and frustration have set in. More time is spent getting the bike ready to ride, than it is practicing the push off and pedal. Many of the same downfalls are true for riding the bike with training wheels that don’t really spin, or the bike that’s too small. In the case of the former, the plastic wheels impede and prevent the full pedalling motion, whereas in the latter, the body position isn’t right, and the leg can’t extend fully.
But, you were given it from a friend, or a neighbour, or a relative, so it will do. Or they will grow into another one quickly, so it wasn’t worth spending more money now.
The backpack. It’s like a game of Tetris. It perfectly fits their lunch, water bottle and some extra clothes. It is nice and small like the little back it’s being carried on. But that little back and the little person carrying it lacks your advanced spatial sense, and they certainly haven’t mastered folding their clothes! At the end of the day when they have to pack it themselves - Frustration? Yes. Tears? Most likely. Adult assistance? Sure. Independence. No.
Instead, we could choose the bag that is bigger, the one that has more space than likely ever needed. The end result will be a child who more readily experiences success, a child who gains independence, and a child that builds and benefits from self pride.
The same can be said for lunch containers that require finger strength and fine motor skills that a young child doesn’t fully possess. In the rush of packing lunches, any container will do, right? But again, we have only furthered their reliance and dependence on an adult.
It’s in so many of the small daily choices we make for children. Sending a child in a coat with a stream of buttons when their hand eye coordination and fine motor skills aren’t yet refined. Those great boots and shoes that don’t have a loose and easily movable tongue, that don’t have straps or laces that open up the shoe so that the foot can easily glide in. (*Insert the stomping, the pulling, the yanking, the wiggling, and the noises of frustration*) Buying the super adorable mittens for their fun fashion, not for function. Or giving them the ones that just perfectly fit their small hand when in fact one or two sizes larger would actually be warmer (extra space and air inside will warm from body heat) and would be far easier to pull on without an adult doing it for them.
We can also look at this from the lens of athletic pursuits, using almost any sport. I will use basketball, as most kids at some point pick up a ball and give it a try. If you look closely, many kids who are trying to play in the driveway or at a local park are slapping the ball, and pushing it towards the net. Pushing and slapping, not really dribbling or shooting. Governing bodies like the Ontario Basketball Association have recommended ball sizes by age, and yet I’d bet there are very few parents (the true “baller” parents aside) who have sought out those recommendations. Instead we have children seeking out an activity, attempting to learn a skill, using a very large adult sized ball in their very small hands.
Imagine giving your six year old child Milton Friedman, Karl Marx or Shakespeare to practice reading? Or giving them an adult compound bow to learn archery?
So that may have been a tad hyperbolic, but I am confident in saying that most parents invest the necessary time in finding appropriate books for their children, because reading is at the top of the hierarchy of skills. We would never cut corners when it comes to our children’s literacy development. We make a conscious effort to support them with the appropriate materials and strategies so that they can acquire the skill in a successful progression. We ensure it’s positive and it’s fun. We ensure that they feel success and that in turn they want to build upon that success.
Collectively, we need to use that same energy, focus, and commitment with any skill set a child needs, or seeks to acquire; treat every skill set as though it was at the top of the hierarchy. The big ones; learning math or learning to write, learning a sport, an instrument, or an art form. And the small ones; the ones that are a part of their everyday life and a part their ability to move through it with a sense of independence and pride.
“We have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child”
What I am suggesting here is not to remove obstacles entirely. The goal is never to eliminate all challenges, as the last thing our children need are “lawnmower” parents. What I am advocating for are parents making conscious choices that will prepare a child for the path, prepare them to acquire the skill. They will still require effort, practice, persistence, and determination to do so. It will still require you to step back and let them struggle with the ball, the bike, the mittens, the backpack. The path will not be perfectly clearcut, but they will be able to see their way to other side.